So, it happened again. I had another Bertha Mason wild woman in the attic freakout. All was well in my evening, I was just washing my hair, singing along to the shower, when I checked my phone. (Waterproof iPhone, I love you.) My friend was messaging me about a shorthand exam. I must tell you, that at the moment I have about a million different channels running through my head, so sometimes things slipped my mind. Unfortunately, today, the last chance of my Shorthand 100wpm (I will get this)- decided to slip my mind, and I had unintentionally double-booked myself.
I instantly thought of ways I could get around this, and they were all unrealistic and stuck even more unnecessary pressure upon myself. I didn’t want to miss either of these things I had going on, but the only real way would be to move my appointment. I couldn’t just not take my exam and waste the stupid-o-clock classes I’d been getting up for all year!
Whilst typing all this out right now, this all seems quite rational, and you’re probably thinking I’m a bit overdramatic… which I think most of my friends would vouch as true. Oops. As all these thoughts were going on, EVERYTHING I need to do between now and June 9th took over my mind, and then the floodgates opened. I felt sorry for my poor, unsuspecting parents whom I’d actually already said goodnight to, they weren’t expecting a Maria panic cry. They tried to comfort me, it didn’t help. They tried to just leave me, I begged for someone to speak. It. was. just. not. pretty.
This is definitely not the first panic I’ve had this year. And over this next, horrifically deadline filled month, it won’t be the last. The worst part is when you question yourself, saying ‘why am I doing this masters?’ Even when I think it, I’m instantly responding in my head, ‘stop being stupid, you know it’s good for your future.’
I think about all the skills I’ve picked up, from I’ve gone from struggling to turn on a Macbook to being an (almost) indesign savvy user. I remember my first shorthand lesson, when I looked at the letters and thought they were hieroglyphics, to it now being a skill I use every day. I consider the work internships I’ve done, and how, when I’ve been in these buzzing magazine offices, watching people produce something that readers can consume and enjoy- and known that those are the places I want to forge a career in. Yet, still, in that split second, I still have that doubt, and those tears. I wouldn’t go as far as resentment, but I’m sure breakdown Maria would speak differently.
They say ‘nothing worth having is easy’, and although I wish this sincerely wasn’t true, I know it is. This experience has wisened me up to the idea of things that seem too good to be true- being just that, and as well as this, due to the personal tests I’ve had in my life over the past 8 months or so, (and trust me, they’ve been huge), I’ve learnt how strong I actually am. I know that I’ll look back on my MA year as an overall life-building time. It’s been filled with fantastic, amazing peers, managed to build my skills and confidence even further, and finally, made me realise that, although anything may not be possible, most things actually can be.